Written on: Wednesday, May 11, 2005

unable to swallow

Something stuck in my throat

like a brick that I can't swallow

the edges are raw

cutting into me

preventing me from taking anything else in

or letting anything come out

I can hardly breath

I need to stay quiet

I need to stay calm

pretend everything is fine

my stomach is on fire

like a hole has burned through me

of things I cannot say

feelings I can't express

I'm biting it all back

swallowing my tears

swallowing my pain and anger

not allowing myself to feel

not allowing myself to heal


I must keep busy

work two jobs, go to school

keep the noise in my life

loud, louder

loud enough to drown out the pain

Writing used to set me free

give voice to the unheard child

allow her to grieve and vent in safety

but it forced me to express the things

I've tried so hard to hide

inside of me

burning through me

Manifesting itself as dis-ease

mysterious pains and conditions

trying to speak, crying out for help

a language doctors can't understand

They medicate. Hoping to numb it out

I self medicate by hiding behind noise

Working too much, reading too much

going from relationship to relationship

losing myself in each one

using them like medication

trying to numb out

But it never leaves.

The body never lies.

Everything you feel

or not allow yourself to feel

every hurt and injustice

every betrayal

comes back as some form of dis-ease