Dis-ease

Written on: Wednesday, May 11, 2005


unable to swallow

Something stuck in my throat

like a brick that I can't swallow

the edges are raw

cutting into me

preventing me from taking anything else in

or letting anything come out


I can hardly breath

I need to stay quiet

I need to stay calm

pretend everything is fine


my stomach is on fire

like a hole has burned through me

of things I cannot say

feelings I can't express

I'm biting it all back

swallowing my tears

swallowing my pain and anger

not allowing myself to feel

not allowing myself to heal


Distractions

I must keep busy

work two jobs, go to school

keep the noise in my life

loud, louder

loud enough to drown out the pain


Writing used to set me free

give voice to the unheard child

allow her to grieve and vent in safety

but it forced me to express the things

I've tried so hard to hide

inside of me

burning through me


Manifesting itself as dis-ease

mysterious pains and conditions

trying to speak, crying out for help

a language doctors can't understand


They medicate. Hoping to numb it out


I self medicate by hiding behind noise

Working too much, reading too much

going from relationship to relationship

losing myself in each one

using them like medication

trying to numb out


But it never leaves.


The body never lies.


Everything you feel

or not allow yourself to feel

every hurt and injustice

every betrayal

comes back as some form of dis-ease

550 SE 6th Ave #200

Delray Beach, FL 33483

Caringhandslv@gmail.com

703-405-3681

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