Written on: Wednesday, May 11, 2005
unable to swallow
Something stuck in my throat
like a brick that I can't swallow
the edges are raw
cutting into me
preventing me from taking anything else in
or letting anything come out
I can hardly breath
I need to stay quiet
I need to stay calm
pretend everything is fine
my stomach is on fire
like a hole has burned through me
of things I cannot say
feelings I can't express
I'm biting it all back
swallowing my tears
swallowing my pain and anger
not allowing myself to feel
not allowing myself to heal
Distractions
I must keep busy
work two jobs, go to school
keep the noise in my life
loud, louder
loud enough to drown out the pain
Writing used to set me free
give voice to the unheard child
allow her to grieve and vent in safety
but it forced me to express the things
I've tried so hard to hide
inside of me
burning through me
Manifesting itself as dis-ease
mysterious pains and conditions
trying to speak, crying out for help
a language doctors can't understand
They medicate. Hoping to numb it out
I self medicate by hiding behind noise
Working too much, reading too much
going from relationship to relationship
losing myself in each one
using them like medication
trying to numb out
But it never leaves.
The body never lies.
Everything you feel
or not allow yourself to feel
every hurt and injustice
every betrayal
comes back as some form of dis-ease