Shadow boxing into the night. Two sides of me were locked in a fight.
There's the side that torments and judges, contracts and scolds in an effort to "protect", warning me of what is about to unfold.
She sees through eyes of dissociative suspicion, looking out for danger. She sees all the ways she can be deceived, all the treacherous lies that are being told.
"Shut down heart, don't feel anymore. I'll keep you hidden from pain, I'll keep the liars and users away, don't believe their sweet words, as soon as you look away, they're off in search of your replacement. They're only using you because you want to believe, you're easy prey for them to feed on."
Then there's the other side of me, the one that sees this voice for what it is. Fear and Lack, operating from a wound that never healed, controlling and distorting, keeping joy and happiness enslaved in an effort to keep pain away.
They fight each other from behind the shadows, stealthily. The conscious part of me isn't even aware of what is going on, all it knows is that one moment there was love, joy, and passion and now there is none. My heart contracted and my voice was gone. It's so dark in here, I feel so alone. The past was resurrected into the present as if it never left. I'm a child again, no one hears me and I'm afraid to be seen. So I seclude myself back into the night.
Q: How do I escape this wheel?
A: First, realize that fear creeps in when I'm happiest. That is no coincidence. Realize that happiness is unpredictable and that fear is more well known. (So, some part of me likes what is familiar, even if it destroys what I wish for?)
Q: How do I break this cycle?
A: Create an anomaly, break the cycle. At that point when joy and fear collide, don't give in to what scares you, don't shut down your heart. Open it wider and let yourself feel. Move past discomfort and choose to be vulnerable again. That's how you'll escape the fear and pain. Choose the unknown instead!