I woke up from a dream where I saw myself walking in a cold dark parking lot with my dad. We were trying to find the car and as soon as we finally got into it and shut the doors, a snow drift encapsulated the car and shoved it across the lot and barricaded it on the edge of a cliff, more snow created a natural barrier between the edge of the cliff and the car. Tenuously, I opened the door and saw the Virgo moon reflecting off the snow in the silent dark night and I felt protected and blessed.
The dream scene then switched to sitting at the airport across my mom and telling her about our experience. Apparently after leaving the car we somehow made it back to the airport for shelter and food. She asked me if I was upset about what happened and all I could feel was excitement and gratitude. She kept asking, “well what about the things that were in your trunk, what about the guitar?” In my dream, the things in my trunk were memories from a past relationship and the guitar had a note that said ‘the songs you will never hear me play’. I thought about it and said that No, I was not upset that the guitar and other things in the trunkI were damaged, because I was spared, I was protected. Then I laughed, as I thought of the note on the guitar, as if art and music had to end just because that relationship did.
I woke up to the song Breakdown Mode by Iyeoka playing in my head and as I recorded the images of my dream in a hand held voice recorder, so much more was made clear to me.
All this time I thought my heart had betrayed me, that it led me down a road to pain, that I could not trust it. Like the self help junky that I am, I attended courses, workshops and self development classes to try and open it up again, to heal it and let love in. I was fighting with myself, thinking that no matter what I did for some reason my heart kept sabotaging my ability to love. (another song, this one by LP that had been playing in my mind for some time is Fighting with Myself).
This dream showed me that this time around, my heart like the snowdrift, was actually protecting me.
Shielding me from another disappointment, encasing me in a cocoon of protective numbness until danger had passed. Creating a barrier at the edge of the metaphorical cliff, so that even if thought I was ready to let myself fall, trust and believe again, I couldn’t, it wouldn’t let me fall.
Thank you, my all knowing heart, who sent out feelers across space and time, sent me messages through songs and then, when I still wouldn’t listen, created a physical barrier around my chest and an energetic barrier around my heart to protect me.
My heart kept me from allowing myself to fall, stopped me from jumping off that cliff when all the while I suspected that only thorns would break my fall. The heart is wiser than the intellect! Guitar or no guitar, I am free to create, sing, write and extend my wings to fly.
At a Reiki Healing Circle that focused on the heart earlier last week, I dialogued with my heart, using an amethyst heart shaped stone someone had gifted me. My heart apologized for not protecting me in the past, showing me all the ways it had betrayed me and helping me see those memories clearly so that I would learn from them later. As I allowed myself to feel the pain from those memories, I held the amethyst in my right hand to receive the energy I was clearing from my heart that was flowing down my right arm into the amethyst. I then placed it over my third eye, so that my awareness would be open and I would not get the wool pulled over my eyes again. At this point in the healing ceremony we were told that our hearts actually transform energy and so the energy of pain that was absorbed by the crystal had now transformed into a healing energy. I held that in my left hand and let it flow up and into my heart, soothing all the ways I felt that my heart had betrayed me.
It is so beautiful how life unfolds when you are willing to see beyond the surface, realize that Spirit communicates with us all the time, through music, signs, classes that show up, people that cross our path. Some people show up to remind us of how far we’ve come, help us open our eyes and take the blinders off. Other people come into our lives and unknowingly gift us things to protect us from them. It is a beautiful orchestra playing a Lyrical Symphony of events that connect us with higher aspects of ourselves.